Nikki

And here we are, about a year later from my last entry. Boy have things change, and some have stayed the same. So much to tell, so let's get right in to it.

As of today, I've lost 204 lbs. There's some pictures linked here. The surgery was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so much happier, healthier and completely in love with myself now. Yes, there's a few things that bug me, like the sagging skin under my chin, my flappy wing arms and the wrinkly sharpei-like folds of my inner thighs, but there's many things I love about myself now. I have more energy, I smile much more and I think I am rather pretty. I eat now as normal as ever, still staying away from too much sugar and greasy foods, and eating protein like it's going out of style. My meals consist mainly of meats, cheeses or eggs with a bit of carbs, vegetables and fruit thrown in on the side. There's more to lose, but that's completely on me now, through exercise and good eating. The weight loss slowed down about six months ago, and I am losing about a pound to two pounds a month now depending on how good I'm being. I do not regret doing this surgery at all.

I miss my mother greatly, especially now when I have achieved so much of my goal, so much of her goal for me. I miss her gentle advice, her friendship and yes, even her haraunging me for cleaning my room. My father misses her terribly and has been in a great depression since she passed. I don't believe he'll ever come out of it, nor does he wish to. I've tried my best to be there for him, but I am no replacement for what he has lost. I've also decided that I cannot feel guilty for him, I cannot latch myself to him and must live on my life. I am still young and have my own hopes and dreams now. And my mother would not want me to throw away this new life I have now.

My husband got out of prison on March 15th, 2006. Just two weeks after my mom passed away. Maybe this had a lot do with us breaking up, but I think deep down it was that I had changed too much and he had changed too little. Every day I spent with him made me lose respect for him, made me wonder what I ever saw in him and I was judging him constantly. He showed all the traits I disliked in a man, one being complete irresponsibility. He broke rules of the halfway house and shrugged it off when I called him on it. Saying that it's only bad if you get caught. I found him to be lazy, self-centered and thinking the world owed him for what he'd been through. He did very little to comfort me in my grief, instead it was all about how he can enjoy life now in any way he could. The proverbial straw was when one day, he turned to me and said, "You're getting skinny." All with a sneer to his face. As if this was a bad thing. I decided it was time to end it, and in Sept of last year I told him I wanted a divorce. I don't think he was too surprised, I wasn't very open and loving with him, rather snappish with him and fighting more often. He agreed, but we both did not have the money until now to finally get t his done. In the next few weeks, I will be divorced and able to move on.

As for moving on, I already am. After a year out of a relationship, I had once thought I was done with such and just wanted to date casually. I did, for a small time, but found it utterly unfulfilling. Then I met, Matt. Yep, same name as my ex, can you believe it? We've been speaking online for some time now and are planning to meet in the next two weeks. I'm being smart about this one, but already I feel so much for him, but time together shall truly tell. I am trying not to let those feelings for him run away with me just yet.

So that's me now... :)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/22254467@N00/1167516820/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/22254467@N00/1166658613/in/photostream/

Well, let's start with my mom's passing. Obviously, the surprise of it was what hurt the most. I had my surgery on February 29th, Monday (I'll talk more about it later), and my mom was with me the whole time. The next day, the doctor came to see me, as well as my boss which was nice. They sent me home, and my dad came to pick me up. It was very nice to be home and comfortable. My mom came home from work, and it was wonderful to see her again. She was so helpful, really getting in to making me my first meal at home. We got out the food processor to mash up some chicken and added some broth. It tasted rather bland, but it was something. We sat up for a bit watching TV, just like any other evening then everyone went to bed. I awoke the next morning at 4am, my dad pounding on my door and sounding very frightened. "I'm calling 911 for your mom, get up!" Needless to say, I got up as quickly as I could, pulled on my robe and went into their bedroom. I found my mom lying on her back on the bed, with her legs over the side of the bed, and her breathing labored and making a gurgling sound. Dad already had 911 on the phone, and handed it over to me. We were instructed to give her CPR, but my dad who knows it like I do, just couldn't do it, he was freaking out so bad. Oddly, I was utterly calm. I gave the phone back and proceeded to give my mom CPR. The paramedics arrived, but couldn't get into our gated community, so I jumped in my car and drove to the gate to let them in. Needless to say, after having abdominal surgery, I was doing everything I shouldn't, but I just needed to do it regardless. This was my mom. The paramedics worked on her while my dad was just pacing and mumbling, I was the one answering all the questions: what meds she takes, her conditions and all of that. They loaded her up and took her to the hospital while I stayed behind. I was in no shape to go sit around a hospital, and also to risk an infection.

( It fell to me to call everyone. )

More to come... next is about my husband's return...

Following suit with my friend talmanes, I've decided to return to my LJ. I've kind of missed it and reading some of my friend's posts.

I do need to catch up on those, and also catch you all up on me. I don't think I want the last post in this journal to be about my mom's passing, so stay tuned. I promise in the next few days to update.

In the meantime, I give you all hugs and can't wait to get back into the swing of things here.

P.S. Thanks to all of you that commented on my last post, giving me your prayers, sympathies and hugs. It meant something.


Ta!!

.. forever.

My mother has passed.

According to her wishes, which was if there is no hope left, let her pass.

There was no hope left.


She suffered a ruptured brain anuerysm, then a stroke. There was damage to her brain. Enough, where it left no hope.

I love my mother, she has taught me so much. She lives on in me, in my heart and in my memories.

Lupi Cave
1947 - 2006

"Look in those eyes... Listen to that dear voice... Notice the feeling of even a single touch that is bestowed upon you by that gentle hand! Make much of it while yet you have that most precious of all gifts. Read the unfathomable love of those eyes; the anxiety of that tone and look, however slight is your pain. In after life you may have friends, fonds, dears, but never you will have again the inexpressible love & gentleness lavished upon you which none but a mother bestows."
- Macaulay

Please keep my mother in your prayers, thoughts, meditations.. whatever...

She had a brain anuerysm and is now undergoing surgery to clamp it. We don't know what damage has been done, if any..

Me, I'm healing from my surgery and thinking about my mother as I have to sit home and not wait at the hospital.

I'm very, very scared of losing her. I hate growing older at times, because it means the ones you love are growing older too...

I'm having my gastric bypass surgery tomorrow, Monday the 27th. I'll be in the hospital for about 2 days.

Matt is coming home March 15th.

This is going to be a very busy, but fulfilling year.

:)

I'm not some eloguent political blogger.. I don't even begin to think I write well, especially as emotional and passionate I'm feeling right now so I'm going to link you to some important words of others and hope you listen to them.

Interview with Mayor Nagin of NO

Commentary from NPR - Seeing Black America in Crisis on TV by Leon Wynter

I play on a MUSH set in New Orleans. We pretend to live in the city, as it's based on a lot of real life things from NO. I can't help but feel so deeply about this and all the outlying areas hit so hard. Here's another important link:

Red Cross - Hurricane Katrina 2005

ASPCA Disaster Relief Fund

If you can give, please do so. Thank you.

Well, I did it. I broke down and bought a new computer. I was completely fed up with my current computer. It's totally on it's last leg, and well it plays an important part in my life, like a car. Decided to give it the respect it deserves. I bought a Dell 2.5 ghz Intel, 40gig hd, 256 ram, monitor, mouse, integrated graphics and sound (for now) and I already have a cd-rw, so I think I did good for $362.

Crushes: Love them, make me feel all warm and fuzzy. Hate them, it's going to hurt in the end.

Oh, and the best result of any test I've ever gotten....

colin firth is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

Yep. Computer being stubborn, may need new hard drive, or find some way to steal my mom's comp. I'm broke, I miss my husband... I have a crush ... bad.. I'm horrible...

I like my new cellphone, I haven't called Jess back like I said I would, I feel bad, but he has my email I guess.

I'm enjoying my RP, my char's involved with the Inquisition, IE Hunter of bad thingies... shh Frankie won't know even though she does my char's fiance's tatts. :P *Guess who?*

I found out that the insurance only requires three months of seeing a nutritionist, so surgery will hopefully be scheduled in Jan or Feb. I'm ready now though.

Did I mention I have like a schoolgirl crush? Fourteen year difference too, who woulda thunkit? I hate crushes, I feel stupid. heh

I'm still reading your entries, and lately, for some reason kissablme's intrigue me... :)

*hugs Jara, Jen and Jess*

That's right, you're what... 36 now right? :) I hope it's a good one for you.


So... haven't said much here in a while, have I? Eh, too busy now I think. In a nutshell, rping on Cajun Nights turned out to be part mistake. The shifter wiz is a bitch who can't handle when people tell her she's wrong and metes out unthematic IC punishment and basically tells you to accept it. Dealing with that, may find another place to play dunno.

Went to visit my husband last week. It was nice, if not hard on me physically. It's a long drive and it's tiring. it's hard to visit when there's guards staring at you and you just can't have a private conversation. But, we're down to the wire now. 18 months until he's going to the halfway house. I think this time is the worst in waiting. I can taste it and feel it, but we're not there yet.

In other news, finally got another cellphone. Woo, big whoop. Um... that's about it really. Have fun.

Shouldn't EVER be used in such a despicable manner that the RNC has. Fucking dirty republicans and their Texas white supremecist bunghole!

Hi, I'm Nicole, I'm a democrat. :)

So, yeah, Bush thinks we can't win the War on Terror. I tend to agree with him there, especially if he's still President or anyone more like him.

In other news, RPing on my mush isn't turning out so well. I thoroughly enjoy the RP, was even complimented on my portrayal of a Ragabash (if you don't know what I'm talking about.. nevermind lol). Unfortunately, the Shifter wizard believes in forcing RP and if we protest our characters are frozen. Hi, welcome to the Roleplaying Dictatorship of Cajun Nights. Should have known.

I'm trying to talk a few of the players I've met on Cajun who share my despisement of the staff to move over to Tempest. chiaaysa, my dear, are you in the shifter sphere? How is Ms. Crimson? When I spoke with her about it, she was ecstatic, though, we'd all love to come over as is, I know Tempest's policy on that. Who knows.

I rarely have much to say in here, note the month-long absence, so if anyone ever drops me from their friends list, I'd understand. I do have one thing to announce. In less than 18 months, my husband will be sent to the halfway house here in Vegas. That means multiple things, the most important of course being that we may return to sexual activity. :)

I may not be able to vote, but I still have a voice. To learn more about the Democratic Presidential Nominee, go to

It's that time of year again where we have celebrations for something that has lost most of it's meaning over the years. Some people may be surprised to find out I'm terribly patriotic. I'm very passionate about the tenets of democracy, freedom and liberty. To put this in perspective - I've lost some rights as a citizen because of my troubles with the law, among them are no protection under search & seizure laws, modified Miranda rights and the right to vote. Of all of these, I mourn the loss the vote the most. Of all the rights citizens of the United States of America possess, this is the one that's squandered by many. Despite the Electoral College, and the whole process of voting nationally - individual votes do matter. If you are over the age of 18, regardless of whether you're conservative or liberal, black or white, male or female, rich or poor - you HAVE the right to vote. Excercise that right.

This nation was founded on the ideals of freedom from tyranny. Although we have strayed from time to time in those foundations, overall, democracy is the best form of government. (In my opinion, anyway.) It is the rights as human beings in a free society that I cling to, that I get passionate about, that I tear up when I hear patriotic songs like the Star Spangled Banner & America, the Beautiful. Tomorrow, I shall listen to my patriotic music, mourn the loss of my right to vote, but celebrate the fact that I live in a free society. So should you.

Have a wonderful Holiday.

Chappelle's Show is so damn funny!

Thank you, Netflix for providing hours of laughter from Season 1, Disc 1 & 2.

I'M RICH BIATCH!!

Just laid back as always. I've begun doing some icons at a community I'm apart of, just little things here and there as I don't want to be overwhelmed like I was at my old community. I miss doing graphics.

Yesterday I got an early birthday present, a DVD of Return of the King. My mother hands it to me, saying, "I know, the 20 hour extended version comes out this fall, but I figured you'd want this too." She's right though. These movies are the kind you own the regular verson of, and the big bad, nerdy, 'I don't mind wasting six hours on ONE movie' kind of movie. :)

If you have HBO, do NOT miss the movie "Something the Lord Made". It is an excellent movie, I learned a lot, and cried a bit. It's about the groundbreaking work of Dr. Blalock and his black assistant, Vivian Thomas. Blalock performed the first heart surgery, the famous 'blue baby' surgery. It was a great movie. Jara, watch it :)

I'd like to say Happy Belated birthday to kinotu, sorry I missed saying it before. I hope it was a great one. Happy Birthday to grrapeone too! Before I forget, and because I'm in the mood to care enough - Happy Birthday Jess.

I'll be 34 on Thursday, and I'm taking it as hard as I did 25. I'm old, so much of life has passed me by. It's hard to keep an optimistic look on it, but I just consider myself a late-starter.

Well, I'm sick. I rarely get sick, but when I do it's a whopper. I had a sore throat on Friday, but attributed it to the windy conditions we'd been having. By Saturday, I had congestion and a little dizziness. I woke up on Sunday with severe pain in my ear, ringing, congestion, my throat all raw and swollen. I went to quick care and was told it was Sinusitus. I've got anti-biotics and a medicine to break up mucous, because having high-blood pressure I can't take a regular decongestant. I called in sick for Monday, second time since I've worked there. I'm feeling a bit better today.

My new bed is really great, except I don't have those deep pocket sheets yet so they bunch up a lot. This weekend was going to be my shopping weekend, but instead I got sick. Maybe later this week. My aunts and uncles from California came in this weekend, we got to meet up with them on Saturday. These are my mom's sisters, and whenever we all stand around each other I see how I'll look when I'm older hehe. I found out my cousin is getting married in October, to a white guy. My cousin and I will be the only ones who married white guys, all the others stayed in the race - Mexicans hehe. My husband was happy about that, "Your dad and I won't be the only white guys at that family reunion now!"

Before I go...


Happy Birthday jloopy!!!!

.. tearsinheaven_ see? i read your journal, just don't comment much. :P


Five LJ Friends

You know in real life:
jloopy
talmanes - not friends much anymore
kinotu - oops.. how could I forget the hugging of the midsection.. sowwy!

People you think don't love you because they never comment [aw...tear tear]:
To make this easier, here's 5 people who I know love me because they DO comment:
jloopy
tattoedgirl
xpunkiex
again
chiaaysa
The rest rarely comment.. so..


People you always find to have intriguing entries:
jloopy
tattoedgirl
endgame - when she posts!
again
geeknoir

People you never exchange comments with:
geeknoir
sacrifices
imperfectious
cacamimi

People you've seen so many pictures of you would recognize them anywhere:
denity and her daughter and her husband hehe
kissableme
tearsinheaven_
wibbble
chiaaysa but only if the world was black&white - get a new camera lol

People you'd like to give a hug 'cause they're just so sweet:
tearsinheaven_
again
kissableme - she still ranks as the most compatible heh
_glittergirl
grrapeone

You Wish You Knew or Want to Know Better
xpunkiex
tattoedgirl
zoegaze
drunky_mcgee
kanasu

Please people, I need something to do!!

Recommend to me...
1. a movie
2. a book
3. a musical artist, song, or album
4. a LiveJournal user not on my friends list
5. a tv show
6. a website
...and put it in a comment and then put this in your journal

Today started pretty bad. I had some achiness in my lower back, which isn't really unusual. By the time I got to work I had muscle spasms and could barely stand up straight. So, I shuffle in to work and everyone's wondering what's wrong. I was thinking I had just slept wrong, the spasms would go away. I tried to keep walking around a bit, but it just got worse. By 9am I knew I had to do something. I called a chiropractor, made an appointment for the afternoon and left early.

The doc believes two things. One, he believes I've aggravated the sacral area joints, where my spine connects to my hip area. There's tenderness on my left side, and the spasms continue, lessened a bit by Tylenol and an ice pack. Second, he thinks I may have arthritis in those joints. He's asked I see my primary physician and get a renal profile and arthritic profile done. He wants to rule out any kidney problems.

I called to make an appointment with my primary, and she's no longer with that medical center and no longer covered under my plan. Yay, I get to start all over. I'll be making an appointment tomorrow with another doctor and see what's up. In the meantime, things at work preclude me from taking any days off. The new guy isn't versed enough to handle it alone for these next two days. Namely because on Friday mornings, the reports need to be done by 10am. If I take tomorrow off, I may just spend some time fixing his mistakes before even working Fridays reports. Oh well.

I think the real culprit is my bed. A few months ago, my fat ass sat on the edge of the bed when I heard a very loud crack. The wooden frame of the box spring is broken, so my bed tilts slightly. This weekend, I'll be bed shopping. Luckily, I can do it now.

As of now, me and my fucked up body are going to bed.

The week started out pretty bad.

( Work stuff )

( TV stuff )

In other TV news, Friends ends on Thursday. I'm bittersweet about that really. This show started when I first moved here, it holds a lot of memories for me in it's first season. There I am in my $400 a month apartment, on my own for the first time in my life, living off of Kraft macaroni and cheese, and watching Friends on my 15 year old 13" tv. I've rented the complete episodes of Friends from Netflix. I'm starting season 2 today. Heh, I'm so weird.

I saw Love Actually, and well, it's a good thing it had Colin Firth and Hugh Grant in it. They made it worthwhile. My favorite scene is when Colin's character, Jaime is driving home his maid, Aurelia who doesn't speak english, and he's jibbering on and on then finally says, "Do shut up!" It's so cute. :)

Good news: My husband finished this semester's class with an A. His gpa is now 3.84. I'm so proud of him!!